Sunday, November 2, 2014

Hope for the Parent Who Faces the Unknown

Tomorrow morning, the sun will still be hidden beneath the horizon when we scoop her tiny body out from underneath of her warm blankets, slip on her favorite slippers, and grab something -- anything -- that reminds her of home.  The streets will be quiet and front porches dark when we buckle her into a chilly carseat and drive through a tranquil neighborhood.

The ride will be quiet, with tired eyes staring out a foggy window and hands clutching tight a soft blanket.  She will likely break the silence with the same question she always asks when our days begin in the car before dawn--

Which doctor will I see today, mommy?

I will stare at those trusting brown eyes in the back seat.

Lots of them, hon, I will say quietly.  Today is the day that God could heal your body. 

We will walk -- or carry, rather -- our four year old through the revolving hospital doors and follow the signs to the bustling surgery center.  Unlike our sleepy neighborhood, a hospital never rests.

We will help her slip into one of those too-big, off-the-shoulder hospital gowns with the useless tie in the back, and she will snuggle close while we wait for instructions.


She is scared.  But she is brave.  

She doesn't know what will happen, but she knows that mommy and daddy love her and desire her best.  For better or worse -- she trusts us.

And trust gives her the courage to walk into the unknown.  

What she doesn't know is that mommy and daddy are scared too.

Elective surgery.  

She doesn't need it.  There's no guarantee it will work.  Many doctors have discouraged it.  But we chose it anyway.

It wasn't the obvious choice.  It's just what seems best. 

How do you decide to subject your child to pain if you don't even know that it will help?
When do you ask a child to follow your leading when you aren't even certain where to go yourself?

We may not be unshakably certain of surgery, but we are sure of one thing:

We long for something greater for her.  And love always compels us to look beyond who someone is, and hope for what they could become. 

And so we do what seems best.  And even if our decision is faulty, even if our worst doubts or fears come true, we have this bedrock of hope:

While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. 
(Hebrews 12:10 MSG)

Our "best" for our children is based on limited knowledge and mixed motives.   But God's best is rooted in sovereign power, in infinite wisdom, in perfect love.  God always --always -- does what is best.  So although we are scared, or doubting, or second-guessing our choices, we too can be brave.  We too can trust.  


And trust gives us the courage to parent through the unknown. 

Our faithful Father will always use every decision -- every circumstance -- for the eternal good of His children. 

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Give Them Room to Practice

I must have done the drill a hundred times -- those same ten measures -- until my fingers hurt and all the keys started to look the same.   But slowly -- ever so slowly -- my muscles started to instinctively move where I wanted them to go.  Reflex kicked in, and what felt impossible the first time, felt natural the hundred and first time.

Practice had paid off.

Manuella Hoffmann (2008), Creative Commons
Practice is a normal, and expected, part of life -- something every parent encourages in their children.  Whether it's learning to crawl, do long division, pitch a baseball, or master a sonata, God has hardwired our bodies and minds to learn, develop, and master skills -- provided that we put in the appropriate practice.   

Practice pays off. 

But unfortunately, many of us tend to encourage practice in lesser things.  We rush our children to dance class but ignore their poor attitude on the way.  We spend hours practicing writing skills but neglect the countless angry outbursts it took to get there.  

The Bible validates the need for practice, but it urges us to consider those things which have lasting value:   

Train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. 
1 Timothy 4:7-8

There is no shortcut to godliness in our children -- it takes practice. Yet when it comes to their character, we often assume that our children will just naturally "learn" to do the right thing.  They will grow out of phases; they will pick up skills by being around us.  On the contrary -- godliness requires intentional training, and many, many, many occasions for practice.  


Perhaps you are like me.  Maybe you spend much time practicing lesser things -- ABC's, catching a ball, tying shoes -- but you tend to neglect the practice of godliness with your children.  Perhaps some of these scenes sounds familiar:

  • You call you child to come to the table for dinner.  He doesn't listen. You repeat yourself four more times before he stands up.  You sigh, hoping that one day he'll just "grow out of it."
  • You daughter demands the pink balloon that she spies in the grocery store, to which you promptly reply no.  A meltdown ensues.  You reprimand her whining and make it through the grocery store as quickly as possible.  But who's to say it won't happen again?
  • You ask your child to clean her room and they stomp up the stairs while rolling their eyes.  You have told them a million times to have a better attitude -- why won't they listen?  

Too often, training stops after we tell our children what they may NOT do.  

Don't hit your sister.  
Don't speak to me like that.  
Don't throw food at the table.  

We administer a consequence, and then we assume we've done our job.

And while these things may be necessary and appropriate, they are incomplete without the chance to practice.   The two must work in conjunction -- practice must always follow discipline.


Imagine those same scenes unfolding in your home -- each ending with an opportunity to practice: 

  • I called you for dinner and you didn't come right away.  You need to stop what you're doing immediately and come as fast as you can.  Let's go back and do again.  
  • I know you wanted that balloon, but when we don't get what we want, we need to have self control and a thankful heart.  Instead of whining, you can say, "ok, mommy." 
  • That's a rude way to respond to mom when I tell you to clean your room.  Your attitude is important to God and shows a heart of obedience.  Listen to how I say it, and then I want you to try again.

Next time your child disobeys, see the opportunity through the inconvenience.  Give him one of the best gifts he could receive from a parent -- the chance to practice.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Thank You, Anonymous College Student

One look at the computer screen, and the tears started pooling in my eyes.  How could the prices have gone up that much in only 24 hours?  I buried my head in my hands and cried -- tears of sadness, tears of anxiety.

Every year, we board a plane and travel across the ocean to visit family -- the one time each year when my children get to see, enjoy, and bond with their paternal grandparents.   And every year, my heart sinks just a little bit more when I look at the rising cost of flying.

But it's not really about the money.  It never is.  This annual trip is worth it, regardless of the price tag attached.  And we've always had enough, more than enough, to travel each year.

So why, then, did my heart sink and my fingers tremble when i saw those numbers on the screen?

Because it's really about sonship.  It always is.  I have a Heavenly Father who faithfully and abundantly provides, yet I regularly live like I'm an orphan.  My heart can fear and my fingers can hoard because deep down, I forget that I'm His child.

I know it in my mind -- that I'm a daughter of God -- but I live like my Father is uninvolved.  And don't orphans always need to fend for themselves?  So I see the numbers.  And I fear all over again.




I cried and prayed the whole drive home.  
Lord, help me believe in the little things that you are my Father!

I walked to the mailbox and pulled out an envelope -- no return address, no name -- just an anonymous "thank you " note with a monetary gift.

I wept for the second time that day.  This time, not in sadness, but in conviction.  How fickle my heart is -- how slow I am to believe who He has declared me to be!

So, anonymous college student -- thank you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  You will never know how timely your gift was.  Your gift was more than just some crisp bills to help us pay for expenses.  Your gift was the eternal truth, and a precious rebuke, that I am a daughter.

Thank you.  
Thank you for helping to open my eyes to see the generous provision of our Father.
Thank you.
Thank you for helping to open my fist on the tight grasp I can have on my possessions.
Thank you.
Thank you for helping to open my heart to the vulnerable, yet completely secure, position of being a loved child.  

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

From Generation to Generation: Teaching Them Truth

She taught us the song when I was 10 on the windy drive to our summer vacation.   We sighed, rolled our eyes, pleaded to return to our games.  She insisted, she won, and the cassette tape went in.

My mother, with hands on the wheel and eyes focused on the road,  directed each phrase to her unenthusiastic children in the back seat:

God's on His throne, no need to worry.
God's on His throne, so I can rest.
God's on His throne, and I can trust Him.
Almighty King, God's on His throne.


Twenty years later, I remember the words clearly.

Tonight, I rock my baby boy quietly in his room, while tears fall down my cheeks.  Another hard day was ending, with helpless thoughts and frantic prayers crowding my already exhausted mind.  He looks at my teary eyes, and removes his thumb from between his lips.

"God on throne, Mama," he says, before reinserting his thumb and snuggling deep against my chest.

I manage a weak smile and begin to sing the words to an often-requested bedtime song.  He sings along in his mumbled 2-year-old voice.






I sing of God's Kingship, of God's Sovereignty, of our rest.  Together, we sing God's truth for weary hearts.

I rock, and I think back to my own mother, singing to a car full of moody children.  Little did she know it, but she was teaching truth to her future grandson.

Thank you to my mama, who faithfully invested in me, and planted the words of truth in my heart.
Thank you to my son, who unknowingly asks me to recite God's truths when I need them the most.
Thank you to the Lord, who promises His covenant faithfulness to the generations. 

To all the weary mamas out there -- persevere.

Persevere through exhaustion.
Persevere through uninterested children.
Persevere in your worthy calling.

Persevere, because you are teaching truth to the generations.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

When Loving Feels Inconvenient

Thirty minutes until company arrived.

Apparently, my children didn't get the memo.

In the short span of a half-hour, they managed to pee their underpants, dump out every single lego, fall down the stairs, rip a few pages from the library books, and throw up on the couch.  Their stubbornness hit an all-time low and their need for training and redirection tripled.

So much for the hors d'oeuvre tray.

Sometimes, I feel like they know. They know when I'm feeling the pressure of the clock or the to-do list.  They know when I need the least number of distractions -- and that's when they offer me the most.

Maybe it's just imagined.  My emotions are high, the pressure is on, and so it seems like the interruptions, are harder and more plentiful than normal.

Or maybe it's not imagined.  Maybe messes and needs do increase.  My kids might not know, but someone else sure does.  And he will do whatever it takes to ensure that I stumble.

1 Peter 5:8 tells us:  


Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith (ESV). 


You have an Enemy.  And it's not your child, or your spouse, or whoever else is getting in the way of your to-do list.

It's the devil himself, and he's prowling around, waiting to pounce and devour.

And here's the crazy part -- Peter's warning wasn't written primarily for those facing extreme persecution or sexual temptation.  Peter's warning is written to church leaders, responsible for caring for their flock. 

Ironic, isn't it?  

This warning comes right in the middle of an exhortation to care for those entrusted to you.

Your relationships with others -- specifically those under your care -- will always be a source of vulnerability and temptation.   You will regularly need to choose between loving your flock, and loving lesser things, like hors d'oeuvres, being on time, having a clean home, or feeling appreciated.  And while it's often possible to have both, are you tempted to despise or ignore your children's needs when something lesser is on the line?

The pressures of parenting and loving others will feel greater when you have something else to attend to.  But amazingly, they are actually opportunities to love more effectively.  Imagine -- in the midst of busyness, interruptions, and needs -- speaking these words to the ones you love:

It's ok that we're running late -- you're more valuable than being on time. 
I know that it was an accident -- I love you more than I loved that vase.
Yes, I just washed those clothes, but I'm so thankful you enjoyed your time playing outside.
I don't mind if dinner gets cold, it's more important that we talk about this now. 

Resist the devil.
Stand firm.
Know your weaknesses.
Be mindful when things feel "urgent" above all else.
Remember your primary calling.
Pursue and love wholeheartedly the little flock that has been given to you, especially when it means giving up the lesser things. 

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Don't Wait Until Tomorrow

Five different people, five different times, stooped down to say good morning to her.  And five times she pushed out her lower lip, folded her arms, and turned her head away.  Although she donned her Sunday best, her countenance was anything but attractive.

"Please say good morning, sweetie," I reminded her.

"Good morning," she eventually growled.

We soon found ourselves in the church restroom for a conversation about her attitude.

"I'm having a yucky heart this morning, mommy," she confessed.
"I don't want to be joyful right now.  Maybe I'll say hi to them tomorrow instead."

I stifled a laugh, and explained that she wouldn't get the chance tomorrow.

"We don't go to church on Mondays, sweetheart.  You can't wait until tomorrow.  Today is your only chance."

Although her childish reasoning often amuses me, I often think the same way.

I often live like tomorrow is a promise.  I put off things, reassuring myself that I will "do them tomorrow," or break that habit tomorrow, or start eating better tomorrow, or get into the Word tomorrow, or reach out to my neighbor tomorrow.

But God has not given us tomorrow.  And in reality, not only is it unreasonable to think that way, it's prideful. 


Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. 
James 4:13-14 (ESV)

Certainly this passage targets those who arrogantly make and trust in their own plans, giving no thought to the God who ordains each of their days.  James warns against the futility of putting stock in our own foresight of the future, as we are but "a mist that...vanishes." 

It's arrogant to make plans for tomorrow, assuring ourselves that we can predict and secure our own future. 
But it's equally arrogant to make excuses for today, assuring ourselves that tomorrow will bring us the same opportunities.  

By definition, we can't live in tomorrow.  You can only live in today. 

We are finite beings, and out of necessity, certain things must wait until tomorrow.  By all means, be discerning, realistic, and strategic.  Set things aside for later.  The Bible calls this prudence.   (Proverbs 10:5)

But too often, that phrase is used as an excuse.  The thing that you put off until later will always be of secondary importance, and we will forever find reasons why right now just won't work.   The Bible calls this folly.  (Proverbs 6:10-11)

Satan loves to keep the best things as secondary in our minds.  As long as we are convinced that we really DO intend to get to that thing, but it remains of secondary importance -- we will never get to it.  The things we ought to do will forever be the "thing we will get to once we finish this first..."   And soon enough, another day will end, and we find ourselves saying it again -- I'll do it tomorrow.  

When you find yourself uttering those words --I'll do it tomorrow -- pause for a moment.  Are you choosing prudence?  Or, are you instead making excuses?  What holds "second place" on your to-do list?  Where has God called you to change, or grow, or repent, but you never quite get around it? 

God has only given you today.  Live joyfully, fully, obediently.  Don't put off until tomorrow what God has called you to do right now.  

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

The Reality of Me-Time

Seven times I heard the door open, and walked down the hall to see my daughter standing at the top of the stairs.  I sighed heavily.  Post 9pm is me- time. 
-----
The house was quiet when I slipped downstairs and turned on my tea kettle.  Early mornings are rare for me --but this morning was different.  This morning I was awake, energized, cheerful, ready.  I buried myself under my favorite blanket and opened the well-worn pages of my Bible.  Two verses in and I heard it -- the sounds of awakening children.  So much for my me-time.  
-----
3am and I audibly groaned.  The cries down the hall pleaded for my attention.  I didn't particularly feel like rolling out of bed to hold a sick child.  He'd get another nap in the morning -- but me?  This was my only chance to sleep.

------
There's this thing that I long for daily, hourly even, like it's an inalienable right - me-time.   I spend my days giving to children who demand more time, energy, and patience that I feel like I have.   The few moments I have each day to sit and rest never feel long enough.  

Every parenting magazine will reaffirm, celebrate even, your longing for a break from your kids.

Every mom needs their me-time.

And so we pine after it, search for it, guilt husbands into granting it, escape to hobbies, Facebook, texting, and ignoring our children, in an attempt to secure it. 

But may I suggest that perhaps you already have it?

In fact, you actually have an entire 24 hours of it each day, 7 days a week.

Your time belongs to you.  No one else.  It's your me-time, and no one else gets to decide how to use it.

I hear your brain rattling.

But what about my kids?  The laundry? My job? I can't very well ignore those things, can I? 

Now, I'm not advocating the neglect of your children or responsibilities.  However, I am advocating a perspective change.  

In motherhood, and in life, we easily view ourselves as victims of others.  We are a victim of the incessant needs of our children, who can't feed themselves, dress themselves, teach themselves, or train themselves.  We are the victim of our finances, forcing us to work a job for supplemental income.  We victimize ourselves when our husbands, or friends, can do things that we must miss out on.  We victimize ourselves when we must get up in the middle of the night and deal with unique weaknesses in our children.  

But consider Jesus the author of all of Creation and possessor of all authority on heaven and earth:

As men encircled him, arrested him as a criminal, handed him over to an enemy, and led him to the most brutal of deaths, Jesus' perspective was this:

"No one takes [my life] from me, but I lay it down of my own accord... "

While Jesus was certainly speaking in this passage of his divine authority, he's also highlighting a principle of ownership.  He owns his life.  And he chooses to lay it down.  At any moment, he says he can call down legions of angels to save him.  In doing this, Jesus boldly declares:  I am not a victim of others, I gladly choose to give away the life which I own.

Or consider the perspective from Hebrews:

"Jesus...who for the joy set before him, endured the cross..."

Jesus chose to endure the cross for the sake of joy.  No one forced his hand or his will.  He looked at his beloved --us--and gladly, joyfully, surrendered that which belonged entirely to Him.
-----

Those 24 hours in each day?  God's given them to you.  And you alone will determine how to use them.  It's your time. 

The next time you hear the cries of your newborn, the needs of your toddler, the demands of your family, remind yourself:

This is my me-time, but I choose to give it away to the ones I love. 

You can do it, because Jesus did it for you.